26 February, 2011

An Open Letter to my Future Husband

Even though I don't know exactly who you'll be
yet, I think of you often. I wonder how you're
living your life now. It matters to me, you know,
because how you live your life now determines the
kind of man you're becoming … and the kind of man
I'll spend the rest of my life with.
Apparently, for some bizarre reason manhood
doesn't come automatically for males. Some guys
seem to spend their entire lives trying to "prove
their manhood" – by hunting, playing sports,
driving fast … and unfortunately, by having sex.
It seems rather strange to us women that guys
think that having sex proves you're a man. To us,
it just proves that you've reached puberty. And
we don't really consider that, in itself, to be
any accomplishment. Becoming a man is a much more
complicated process.
The funny thing is, even in this day and age,
most guys want to marry a girl who respects her
sexuality. A guy doesn't like the idea of his
future wife in the back seat with someone else,
or her being the subject of a sexual conquest
story in the locker room. They'll brag about
girls like that, but they won't marry them. They
want to marry a girl, whether she's never "done
it" or done it and regretted it, who recognizes
that sex speaks the language of forever,
committed love … someone like me.
But why would I want to marry someone like that …
someone who wants to marry a virgin, but spends
his dating years robbing other girls of their
virginity so that he can prove his manhood? He's
not a "real man" in my eyes – he's selfish,
immature boy driven by insecurity, not love. And
I'm not interested.
I want more from you. I want you to respect your
sexuality as much as I respect mine. I want you
to be a real, confident man not a wimp who has to
use women to feed his insecurity. A guy like that
couldn't use all of those women, and then
suddenly love me. He may be "good in bed" but he
is no good in loving.
I want you to learn to really love. Learning to
love is learning to put the other first. A guy
who messes around outside of marriage isn't
putting the good of the other first. He is using
a girl … speaking the "body language" of
permanent commitment when the relationship isn't
permanent. He's putting the girl at risk of
pregnancy. And he's putting himself at risk for
some nasty diseases … diseases he can then later
give his wife. That's not making love. A real man
loves women – and wants what's best for them. And
he doesn't let his desires control his actions.
He controls his desires instead.
I want you to develop self-control. That's
important to me. I don't want to marry a man who
can't control himself. Men like that make lousy
husbands. A man who isn't used to saying "no" to
sex isn't going to be any better at it at 40 than
he is at 18. I've seen women who worry everytime
their husbands hire an attractive secretary. I
don't want that. What kind of marriage could I
have with someone I couldn't even trust on a
business trip.
In the short run, I'm sure there aren't too many
rewards for living lives this way. Society tells
you that you're missing out on your "sexual
peak". You silence during the locker room
bragging sessions can seem deafening. You may
even heard from the girls you date that something
must be "wrong" with you because you won't take
them to bed. Deep down, you must know that having
sex won't prove you're a man. It's just
irritating that no one else seems to know it,
isn't it?
But someone does know it. I know it. And in the
end, I'm the only one who matters. And no, I'm
not as narrow minded as those guys who say
they'll only marry a virgin. Society isn't too
supportive of virginity. I can forgive mistakes
of the past. But I'm interested in your future,
starting now. When I meet you, I want you to be a
man who has made a conscious decision to wait …
out of love for our future family and commitment
to our marriage. And I want you to be a real man,
who's developed the control, maturity and
unselfishness that waiting brings. They may not
be popular traits in the locker room, but they're
popular with me. They'll make you better husband,
and a better father. To me, that's sexy.
I've abstained from sex all these years and it
hasn't been for the lack of offers. I've had
plenty of opportunities, and saying "no" hasn't
always been easy. I'm sure, it's not always easy
for you either, but it will make our marriage so
much stronger. Sex will be our gift to each
other, our exclusive "language". It'll belong to
us, not "us" and everyone else we ever dated.
Thanks for waiting for me. I promise you won't
regret it.
by: Mary Beth Bonboci

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