07 October, 2010


"And the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it."
Ecclesiastes 12:7
Lord, I can't sleep.... I'm tired of thinking and crying. My eyes are red, swollen, but I just can't stop the tears. I just can't :-( I lost 2 loved ones in one night. But most of all I lost my Tito Edgar just like that. Though my heart is broken, I thank you for saving him. I find comfort in knowing that he is with you now. Thank you Lord for bringing him into my life. He may have his share of shortcomings, (who doesn't?) but still I will forever be grateful for his life.
I remember he used to take good care of me and my siblings when we were kids. He was a teenager then. He was really close to his one and only "ate", my mom. We lived in one house for a long time. My mom used to tell me how my Tito loves ketchup so much. Even if we didn't have food on the table, as long as there's ketchup, he'll be fine. Among his siblings, he was the most intelligent. He got a scholarship in Don Bosco during his college days and received recognition and awards in chess. He was the one who taught me how to play chess. In fact, I was able to do a module on How to Play Chess for Kids because he inspired me. At one point, he left the country so he can help out his mom financially. After 3 years, he came back, a different person. There were rumours that he was harassed in Saudi and that resulted to mental anxiety. Since then, my Tito has been a burden to the family. We prayed and prayed that he gets well. Later on, by God's grace, we found a solution. With constant check up and injection, his sanity came back.
Just like me, my Tito loves to eat and laugh. We shared a lot of things in common and we went to church together. My Tito loves the Lord.Even if he's alone, he would go to church every single Sunday that he's with us in Manila. I am confident that he is now with the Lord....... peaceful as ever. No more asthma and suffering for you Tito. I will miss you dearly....... I am so sad that I didn't even get to see you the last time I was in Manila. I will miss your "lambing" that I may buy you a chess book, or give you pamasahe so you can go to church etc. I will miss eating and dining with you. I will miss hearing the wheezing sound of our asthma together. Bakit ba kasi tayo ang nakamana nun kay lolo e? 'yun pala ang babawi ng buhay mo. If you were in Manila, I don't think you will die. Mom will not allow that to happen. But I guess this is life. Nothing permanent, except DEATH!
Thank you for all your wonderful memories that I will cherish forever... I will miss you dearly!!!! :-(
Lord, in these times when I really don't have the strength to move on with life anymore, I LOOK TO YOU!

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
I’m lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I’ve been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song

I look to you

Have to lose my breath
There’s no fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I’ve taken
Led to my regret
And I don’t know if I’m go’n make it
Nothing to do but lift my head


My levees are broken
My walls are coming down on me
My rain is falling
Defeat is calling
I need you to set me free
Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me!

03 January, 2010

Autobiography In Five Chapters

I had the privilege to listen to John Maxwell preach live online a few minutes ago and I tell you, I was really blessed. He talked about SECOND CHANCES having Jonah as his main illustration. Aren't you glad that our God is a God not just of 2nd but 3rd, 4th, 5th and many more chances????? Well I am, co'z if not, I tell you I should have been dead long time ago. In the last 15 years of my life there is one lesson that God has been teaching me that until now I STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED.And so I'm not going to ask God anymore why it happened again and why I am in that hole again STILL TRYING TO GET OUT for the nth time around. Good thing, our God is GRACIOUS! And GRACE means, YOU GET WHAT YOU DON'T DESERVE. It is super embarrasing and humbling to hear that after being so stubborn and disobedient God says to me, "It's alright my daughter, you try it again this year, nothing changed, I STILL LOVE YOU".

And so, here I am, God didn't just give me a second chance but also dealt with my pride.And I thank HIM for that.It is such JOY to feel released from a long time hidden personal issues and be accountable with someone whom God sent to help me get really directed.

With all this I realized, I am not superwoman after all as many perceived. And that is a good thing:-)

Maxwell ended his preaching with this poem of Portia Nelson. My prayer is to be on Chapter 5 this year and that I decrease and HE INCREASES (John 3:30)


Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson
From: Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying